I Can’t Believe This…
Posted by xescape | Filed under Gee-Whiz!
Something I have lived by for many a years is that people need to live for the moment. We need to stop being so worried on what everyone else thinks and on what everyone wants from us. We need to live OUR own lives the way WE want to live.
So go. What’s stopping us from completing this goal, this goal of being what we’ve always wanted to be. To strive and shine and just… love everything we do.
Do you know what stops us? The fear of failure. The fear of rejection. The fear of being irresponisble.
To live for the moment means you don’t worry about the future, but I know (myself included) that when I make choices I try to anticipate what will come of me if I do this. You think, well I better not do that because I have a test tomorrow, because I have to work. Because I have to do something else in life that will be important at that moment. Which means that the moment you passed up is completely gone.
That moment that could be life changing, the moment that could have turned and made things different forever. Is gone. It has completely passed you by. You missed out.
It was a good party.
I wish that things were easier to just… live by the moment.
I’ve been afraid to write here because I fear that my writing won’t be good enough. I also feel mentally drained from all of the stress I am under right now, and have been suffering greatly for it…
I wish that my parents would just… understand that I do need to see him more then 2 nights a week. That he does keep me sane and brings some happiness into my life. I mean… my family does too. But not in that way…
I realize I am young and I shouldn’t be saying this yet because that means I am dependent on someone already. But… it’s not that im dependant it’s that im not lonely anymore. And stuck with my own thoughts. I just, want someone around that I can talk to, and can vent to and can understand me. Give me hugs when I need it. etc etc..
I mean, I am sure I could with my parents. But.. again. It’s not the same at all.
Here I am. Crying again. Im so frustrated. Im frustrated with school and everything else. Exams are coming up and I have SO much to do before then, and it’s to the point now where I am just so frustrated with all of it that I don’t even want to try anymore. I just… don’t I just want it to be over. And for this year to pass.
I want this year to be over, and for my next to start, and I have some knowledge of where I am going.
I am just so tired of trying to work my ass off to just accomplish very minor things. I am tired of stressing and all of this bullshit in life that i am just getting ridiculously sick of. I want it all to end.
I want to live for the moment. I do. I want to be able to live for that moment and to not be under complete control by my parents all of the time. It aggravates me beyond that they can just say no and of course i have to be okay with it or they will take away all of the happiness i have in life?
Im wondering now. What happiness?
I hate school.
Im starting to hate my job.
My friends have been very distant, or at least I have from them..mentally that is.
Teachers are expecting a lot, and are asking so much and so much energy and focus that I just can’t seem to muster. I can’t come up with creative ideas. I try to. I really do. But then it just turns out wrong in every way and I can’t seem to get it right.
All of my drawings have been disasters because of the stress i’ve been under this year. I have hardly touched my new camera, because I do not have the time for it.
I am so tired of feeling like this. Mentally drained. I just want to sleep it all off, but that doesn’t work either.
I am not sure if a year off is what I need, or just the fact that I want a break from everything. I am tired of dealing with this. I am tired of feeling this distance, and this anxiety over stupid marks.
Yes, i know i need to pull myself out of it. and I know I can. I also know that I need to stop worrying about my marks and everything else. But the thing is. I do. I worry a lot and I cannot keep fighting the fact that I need these marks for next year. For the rest of my life basically. Teachers make university and college seem so scary, and I tend to over think things as it is.
My head is just.. ready to explode…
It basically already has.
I’m feeling drained. Lost. And forgotten.
Why can’t I get this right? Why can’t I get 90’s?
I know this is really really sad, and probably a bit pathetic to say, but i feel like i need the high marks. I do. I am a smart girl. I know I can get high marks. I just have to strive harder. I can. I don’t go to the highschool parties. I don’t do drugs, Rarely do I drink. So I need to have something else going for me.
And that is my marks.
Too bad my mind won’t let me think that they’re going anywhere good.
I just, I don’t know what to do…
Help.
Please.
Im sorry if I’ve put anyone in a bad mood with this post. I do.
I just needed to vent and I feel like I get my words out best here.
Wouldn’t It Be Loverly?
Posted by xescape | Filed under Uncategorized
LaundraMatt Stories
Happy New Year. Merry Christmas. Seasons Greetings and I hope everyone enjoyed their break. I know I did. With my blog constantly in my mind, I’ve got a list of things to discuss!
Unfortunately, snow dancing may not be my strong suit, with winter arriving where I am a month (at least) ago, there has yet to be a school delay or cancellation. Which is indeed quite frustrating.
Ice has fallen and settled in sheets, making every step and move very planned out. I’ve been told to keep my chin up while walking, but im afraid with roads sidewalks and everything else like this, I must watch my feet for fear of landing on my ass. Ice is indeed pretty though, when the light catches it; especially when it’s created a lovely bed ontop of a lake. It sparkles and shine. And while this is quite bright on the eyes, it is indeed lovely to look at. Unfortunately, when snow plows and mud and rain mix in with it, creating slush and muddy slush at that. It reminds me more of the mud pies I so favoured making as a small child; although I wouldn’t like to touch or make pies with this mud. It’s far too cold for me.
It’s ironic really. I live in Canada and detest cold, winter, wet and cold feet. Unfortunately this fate is inevitable when you live here. It’s far far too cold.
Baths are quite lovely though. With bubbles and the likes, smelly soaps that warm your toes right up. In my bathroom the tiles are very amusing to look at. They have a design on them that is not set in stone, they’re tiled and full of many strange designs. Reminding me of an art project I was lucky to do last term. We splattered paint onto a piece of paper and were to find the shapes of animals, strange things, and whatever else we could see. It was quite interesting to look at and it was a lot of fun to do. That’s exactly what I do with my bathroom walls, looking at the walls and finding dancing cats and swimming birds and women with long hair. It’s quite fun.
I got to perform an act that was almost like magic. A friend needed assistance in dying her hair. So here I was on her floor, her sitting on a ratty towel with a ratty t-shirt in front of me while I spread goop all over her scalp. A lovely image im sure that creates. It was amazing to see, while it looked almost like goopy and well, quite disgusting while I put it on, I watched as it stained her skin and her hair a different color. Of course, turning quite darker then we had anticipated. But that is to be expected with fresh dye. It was very pretty. And quite fun to do.
I do know though. I could never be a hair dresser.
Well, I am off. I have an art project to complete, while im sitting on my couch with a blankie drinking Arizona Green Tea and watching “My Fair Lady” I do love Audrey Hepburn.
Eh… I could of sworn I heard giggling behind me, and I must admit I am freaked out… I hate being afraid of the dark. It’s not fun. I just consistently come up with the conclusion that I really need to stop watching horror movies, one in particular. Paranormal Activity. Scared the daylights out of me.
Anyways, as I was saying. I shall write later.
Ta ta folks.
Tags: Little Bit of Luck
Happy 100
Posted by xescape | Filed under Ho hum
A post at 3 am and it’s also my 100th post.
Goodness, special indeed.
My night started at 10. … 1030 to be more exact, which is quite late for me as im known to fall asleep by 11 or 12, anyways. My night started late, but the excitement was high. And with many people around a lot of candy pizza movies and rockband on a big screen…as in movie theatre sized. I was quite amused. A staff party, that I was invited to by members of the theatre here, well… one of the theatres here.
It was a lot of fun.
We watched Sherlock Holmes. I enjoyed it thoroughly. It wasn’t the BEST movie i’ve ever seen, and nothing like the recently viewed, Avatar, in 3D which i enjoyed immensly. It made me happy to be a hippy.
This post is not going to be long. I do not have the mental strength / energy to be writing deep thoughts at this hour.
Goodness me.
It’s christmas eve.
It feels as if this year has gone by so fast, well… it has. It’s gone by terribly fast. But, the only thing i could think of. Oddly enough. Are the predicitons of 2012, and if they’re true or not. Kind of a scary thought, but i figure. Alright, I’ve basically got another 2 years. . . That will indefiantly fly by.
I don’t want to believe it, I don’t. I don’t think that it’s true, but i do think that deep down inside me somewhere, i do believe it and it’s maybe just a tad bit scary?
Anyways..
Hopefully it’s not just me.
Im off to bed though, I can barely keep my eyes open.
She Says, “Ask Yourself, Ask Anyone”
Posted by xescape | Filed under Ho hum
The girl with her head in the sky
Have you ever met someone, randomly of course. An odd way to meet someone, doing something. Or being somewhere that normally you would never be on, or even. You’d be there but maybe walk a different way, or sit somewhere different. Or even do something different with your hair or your outfit or you packed a lunch today instead.
Is it fate? Is it simply meeting someone new?
What happens if you have a connection. A connection so strong it scares you, and many goals in life are similar. Looking for things that are similar, it’s nice. A sense of belonging fills your stomach. You trust this person, they trust you.
It’s a nice feeling. It’s happenned to me tonight.
I made a new friend, from far away. Meeting him unexpectedly and, in honesty, quite strangely. It makes me smile though, and maybe we’ll meet someday.
I have a few friends like that, “maybe someday” friends. I do want to travel around the globe and meet them all, that would be an adventure. One i look forward to. Greatly.
Rupert is excited too, at one point almost being hesitant as to what to think of this peculiar character, but then realized that they’re very similar to us.
Im almost at a loss of what to write, my mind is going too fast.
To all of my readers. I would love for you to do 1 of 3 or all 3 of these things.
1) Read : The Perks Of Being A Wallflower
2) Watch : Garden State
3) Listen : Garden State Soundtrack
It’s moving.
You will never think of life the same.
Protected: ekjtglkhgsd Rage.
Posted by xescape | Filed under Uncategorized
My Mind Is Bending
Posted by xescape | Filed under Ho hum
These people could help me
After a slumber induced by a gravol and a sick stomach that doesn’t seem to want to get better. I am back for another post.
My mind is going askew today. Completely askew. It’s travelling many places and Ruperts seems to follow while travelling on the wing of a paper plane.
I dont know why it’s travelling so far, bringing up thoughts of forever ago. And ones that are new to me. With all of that in mind. I don’t know what to do with it. I would love to just, make it stop. Make it settle and stay and not have to worry about zoning out and just leaving to another place. But it doesn’t seem to work. And my mind loves to just fly elsewhere.
Icy walkways are not something i enjoy particularly. While taking the most cautious and slow of steps you still manage to land on your ass. Or… at least I do. They laugh while you do. The stones underneath I mean, laughing and jesting and making you blush. Who saw? Who cares. The stones underneath you know the truth, and their whispers echo throughout the ground.
I tried to go Christmas shopping yesterday. Im almost finished of it I promised, but with lines that look at least an hour and a half long. And people yelling and children crying and a Santa that continuously says ‘Ho ho ho’ with toddlers on his knee and a flash of camerss to take a picture. I had to leave. I couldn’t focus.
It also didn’t help the fact that I was with many people who a) didn’t want to settle down b) didn’t want to shop and c) were complaining.
Sigh.
I guess I’ll have to finish it another day.
Not sure why I keep ending up in this place. It’s rather lonely. A place where thoughts and tainted with dark hues and even the glimmer of another can be shot down by a splatter of black. Im not sure why it is like it is. Im not sure why I feel this way. I just do.
The simplicity of things seems to just… stop. And things get complicated. I hate complications, and wish that noone was forced to endure them. The overall feeling of uncertainty. Sometimes a burden and other times a blessing. I do enjoy surprises. But really I do like to know what’s coming.
My thoughts are probably not making any sense right now. They keep falling out of me in short ramblings that seem to be hard to follow. Im not even sure if i’ll be able to follow them myself if I read this. But I guess I am feeling of that sort, unattached from everything.
Lonely.
I also have noticed that since the time we were 6 we developed a schedule, wake up. go to school. go home. go to bed. with a little ifs and ands in between, as we grow older the same schedule is created with slight changes: wake up. go to work. go home. sleep. and yes, i realize sometimes you have errands and work that needs to be finished etc in between but it just irks me that that’s what i am having to look forward to in life.
I mean, growing up that’s not what I wanted. Ever. I wanted to have an exciting lifestyle. One in which things were different and things changed. I want to paint and sleep and write and love my life away. But I know that it isn’t that easy and I may be dirt poor after university.
I think the best thing to do, to be noticed in that world. is to be different. To be deep, to try different things and create the abnormal.
Abnormal. Something I strive for and I seem to do a good job of it, because everyone says im crazy.
I like that.
Crazy.
Different.
Weird.
How fun. The norm was never for me. And I’ve come to accept that. And oddly enough, that statement makes me feel better.
A Mischevious Elf
Posted by xescape | Filed under Ho hum
The most beautiful thing crept on my window today. While driving to school, my dad cleaned off the windowshield, but the wipers didn’t wipe the solution all away. And it was like magic. The lines grew into intricate designs, making patterns and weaving around themselves as if in a dance. It made me smile and thing of Fanatasia when the fairies come out and turn the entire world into frost. It was my favorite part of the movie.
Another thing this action made me think of was cracked glass, and how it can look like spiderwebs were drawn into the glass. It’s rather pretty. It makes me smile to think that something so small could create something like that. It’s almost as if it the glass errupts, starting with small and very sharp turns and angles near to where it made contact and then it spreads out throughout the glass, making the rest a pretty design, with looser curves.
Although I had all of this on my mind, I couldn’t help to be slightly disappointed. When trying for something that you succeed and getting less of what you had inticipated, I mean I should be thankful that I got it at all because I know many that didn’t and I know that I defiantly have to speak in it, but I am just a tad bit frustrated that I didn’t recieve what I had anticipated. I guess I’ll have to get over it though.
Unfortunately, If I was one of the seven deadly sins. I would be envy. I am constantly jealous of what other people have.. the situation I just previously discussed best portrays that.
Rupert is battling the green eyed monster with his cardboard sword, he wins most of the time. But when he doesn’t the green eyed monster glows and laughs and then scuttles into my ear, making me have the worst of thoughts and often causing a lot of anger.
Anyways, I best stop venting. I’ll post another today as I didn’t write yesterday, and im thinking it may be based on the movie called avatar which I am going to see this evening.
Aurevoir.
Drowsy Eyes
Posted by xescape | Filed under Ho hum
Luck's in the bowl
Yummy snow. I love the smell of snow, and I love the look of freshly fallen snow. Before the roads and plows and melting bits have had time to corrupt it. Turning it dark and making the roads icy and slushy. When everything is pretty, a powder white and cars drive over it. It makes me smile. Icicles hang low and glitter in the light along with their chilly tree branch friends.
Poor trees. They must get cold in the winter. I mean, I realize they’re sleeping and like to hibernate like bears do. But it would almost be like sleeping with no blankets and having your window open, it creates a chill not quite cold enough to wake you up, but cold enough for you to toss and turn to find your missing blankets.
When I own a house, I am going to dress my trees up for the winter, with a scarf. And maybe a pair of mittens on some branches.
Yes, that would do quite well. They could be my tree friends, watching the house quietly as the days go by in the summer and then I have to watch them through the winter. It’s like a trading game really.
I have rearranged my room and it’s sparkling clean. Well, not so much now as my work uniform and an outfit is cluttering my floor, but it’s pretty darn close! Well, the closest it’s been in quite a while.
I am very excited to have this break from school. I have so many things I need to do… I need to work on my masterpiece, I have a reading list, apply to at least 3 schools, and scholarship my life away.
Woo.
Joys of senior year in highschool.
Im nervous about University though, but in the end I know that I am going to be where I want to be, in the arts.
Writer? Journalism? Something of that sort.
Bed time.
Sculpting
Posted by xescape | Filed under Uncategorized
Oh my goodness. My tongue hurts, I bit it yesterday and now it hurts to eat foods.
I have to make a sculpture in art right now. Not sure what yet. Probably some random cartoon character.
With a party tomorrow im not sure if an update will occur, but i shall do my best.
Im out of words. But I will write later.
Pinky swear.
Aurevoir.
Please don’t eat me
Posted by xescape | Filed under Uncategorized
I know I know I promised.
I promised i’d try to write everyday.
But im tired.
And im cranky.
and I just want to sleep.
So I am taking tonight off.
I hope everyone has good dreams.
Big post tomorrow.
I can feel it.
Muah.
The Cake Is A Lie
Posted by xescape | Filed under Ho hum
Electric Slide
Hello.
Today was just..not my day. I don’t know why I do this to myself. School is so important to me, to the extent where if I get a low mark I start to downward spiral. My mind goes elsewhere and I worry myself sick I think “oh great, a low mark… which means i can’t get any scholarships…which means I can’t afford university…which means I can’t get out of here…” and then I start to breath in and out, and my eyes get hot with tears, my throat freezes up and I swallow hard. My hands get clammy, my tongue gets dry and I want nothing more then to leave.
I didn’t understand the material. The test was completely foreign to me. I’ll be happy if I pass.
I hate that feeling.
Im just so frustrated with worrying and stressing about school. I want it to end. I worry myself sick. To the point where I don’t want to go, and I just want to stay home and sleep. But im not allowed. I HAVE to go to school. I can’t take a day off to sleep and just, not go and relax.
Which also frustrates me entirely.
I did not have a good day today, I just wanted to be lazy and not do my work because I am sick of school. I am in need of Christmas vacation and it’s not coming soon enough.
I have been going into daze’s a lot lately. Whenever you stare into space with your eyes staring straight at one thing, and the world drops around you. You float into blackness with thoughts in your head, sometimes seeing occasional things. Your mind doesn’t really know where to focus, and yet it seems to keep on a one track mind.
It is lovely.
Rupert is very frustrated. He is sick and tired of working his ass off to achieve nothing and is tempted to just stop doing so. He is just. Done.
And I agree. I am done with the fact that school is sucking the life out of me. That I can’t seem to get it right
That I am working my ass off and hardly achieving anything close to my goal. That I have absolutely NO time to do any work to fill out applications / scholarships.
Im just.. Angry. I can’t deal with this. I don’t want to deal with this. My laptop likes to open more internet explorers then what I have open, and these other internet explorers have talking ads on them that I have to go to the applications and then end the ones that have more then one “00″ users on them. I want my laptop to stop singing at me. Unless music is on. I want it to stop being stupid and my mouse being so freaking sensitive, and scrolling up and down the page so fast when I hardly even touch it. I want it to stop redirecting me when I click a link on google so that I have to go back and then click it again.
I am just angry.
and I don’t want to deal with school on top of everything.
Im staying home tomorrow.
Frozen Peas
Posted by xescape | Filed under Ho hum
Fauvism… Fauuxx-vism… Foe-veeezim
I hope I got it right.
Art projects make me smile sometimes but Im not sure if I got the complete right answer with what it should be.
I used vivid colors, I used big brush strokes, and surreal colors for the background. But hey, we’ll see.
The days have been blustery and cold. I hate cold. I’ve decided that if I was an animal, I would be one that hates cold, and big dogs, and rain.
My mind is a complete loss. It feels like im hitting a wall with things to right, i’ve run dry again. it seems to be more frequent. But… maybe I just need a post like this to get myself thinking creatively again. I must look at the world in an artistic eye.
At about 30 degrees from where I am sitting, there is a vacuum cleaner, probably 7 feet away. That’s just a guesstimate though they’re weird looking things. Very weird. My vacuum is loud, and is huge and heavy. It has advertising on it though, it looks like it’s really good and new and stuff, but it’s a clunky thing that’s heavy. It does it’s job but it’s so clunky and massive. I think it may have a mind of it’s own. It should have a name… Im not sure what though… Evan. Evan is it’s name.
Silly old thing, it makes loud noises and is hard to get up and down the stairs. You kind of have to bend your elbows up and carry it quickly.
There is nothing better in the whole wide world then warm feet and a cup of tea. I really would love some right now, but I’ve kind of brought lazy to a new level. And I don’t think I am going to…
Oh! I forgot, and pajama days. They’re good too.
Rupert got caught in a bubble again.
I was washing dishes at work, and I look up and there he is. Floating away. His arms and legs stretched out as if to make a star. He then started to fly around giggling. That is until the bubble popped. But of course, Rupert would be lucky enough to land on a batch of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies. Oh my goodness they were good.
I had three. Hehe.
Well my brain has gone out. I will write more later.
I have a test tomorrow. This may be interesting.
Ta ta chums!
Too Good To Be True?
Posted by xescape | Filed under Ho hum
I must stop having naps at like.. 8 - 10 because it wrecks me. It wrecks my sleeping pattern bit and makes me feel very awake. Too awake, but im almost a hyper awake because i just.. am weird like that. Then my mind goes in interesting places which makes it more fun to talk on here. Because i am in no way in control over what the heck i am talking about.
Yay.
I love when my brain does weird things like this.
I’ve also decided that I am not going to be a mermaid. Because… well, i do like to swim. But I don’t like my hands feeling clammy for a really long time, your fingers get all soft and sensitive and it’s hard to touch things because you’re afraid you’re going to hurt your hands. Not a nice feeling.
Once upon a time an ugly fish decided to grow legs and walk alongside the crabs. The crabs were indifferent, realizing that they were just the same ugly things as the ugly fish, except they had pinchers. The other fish thought that the ugly fish was too weird. So… They picked him up and hog tied him threw him into a cage and he was forced to join the circus. He was the local freakshow where people paid 15$ to go see the freaky fish with legs. He belonged somewhere.
Tragically his bowl got too hot and then cracked and he spilled out and then the lion ate him.
Omnomnomn.
Too Awake.
Posted by xescape | Filed under Ho hum
So, I am in love with this singer.
And I think she’s amazing and her voice is beautiful and she’s pretty and it makes me smile quite a lot. And I read some of her lyrics.
Consequence of Sound.
By Regina Spektor.
This piece of lyrics caught my eye.
But one of these days your heart
Will just stop ticking,
And they sorta just don’t find you till your cubicle is reeking.
And I realized that it could be so true. and the thought scares me.
People who live alone, and who’ve completely torn themselves away from society and they hate it out there so they’ve created their own area of living and they have made it up to scale the way they like the world. It’s their own little private paradise. Their own little way of living and finding a piece of heaven in this stress filled world where everything is fast fast fast and noone likes to stop. Well, what happens if they die? Who finds them? The relatives that they no longer speak to because they’ve completely isolated themself? The family that they pushed away because they were afraid of disappointment? The friends who they no longer have and they can basically count on their fingers because they draw them on there. The dust bunnies under their bed from the negligence to clean because they’d rather have a glorious tea party with all of their stuffed bears.
It was quite a lovely tea party too. They used little sandwiches with the crusts cut off and tiny cookies that fit neatly onto those trays that pile things on top of each other like a pyramid. I’ve never been sure of the name of that tray. And im sure if i google what I invented the name to be, which is “the trays that pile things on top of each other like a pyramid” google may laugh in my face.
Anyways, back to my point. Is that not a scary thought? Really though? Nowadays in society (wow i sound all wise) people are moving much too fast and worry about nothing but themselves.
Your co-worker could die and be rotting in a cubicle with noone finding them yet.
I’ve grossed myself out.
I have also decided, with my monster friend. Who I am entirely jealous of because she is a monster, and I am a human bean. And I don’t want to be a human bean. They’re too boring. soo… my posts for the next while may contain some alternate magical awesome better race that i could be.
Other then a bean
And yes, I am calling it Bean. Im not sure if you’ve read the book by Rohald Dahl called the BFG. But… you should.
It’ll make you feel shiney.
An ugly fish swam in a pack of other fish, and then it found out it was ugly. So it rushed to the nearest wal-Mart ate all of the candy in the candy isle. Drove around in the shopping carts and unalphabetized all of the books. It was a rebel for a very long time. The other fish kind of hid from it, because it was ugly. They didn’t want to be hurt from this other thing. This being that they were unsure of. So they decided that the best bet would be to lure it with what all fish love to eat. Goldfish crackers and teddygrahms. This holds a lot of irony in itself because goldfish are shaped like them and they are basically eating themselves and then teddy grahms are bears which eat them which now the fish are eating in honey or chocolate flavour in a cracker grahm type form.
They lured the ugly fish out of hiding in the winter scarves.
And shot him dead.
Poor ugly fish.
